Saying Goodbye, Part 1: Stage 1 and Remission

As most people close to me know, I lost my Mom to Stage 4 breast cancer on 12/9/13. I have written about it a little in my post Wasn't Supposed to Happen but nothing at length publicly. I have thought a lot about it: life, death, my Mom, other people who have passed, cancer, womanhood, the past, the present, the future and all that could have been. It's been about 9 months since my Mom died and I am finally ready to put the experience in words. Even now, writing the words "...since my Mom died" is strange to me, even uncomfortable. While trying to figure out how to put the experience on paper, I've also been trying to figure out where to start. Some advice about losing a loved one? Advice about having a loved one with terminal cancer? Let me just start by detailing her life with cancer and our life with her cancer.

My Mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer in the Fall of 2008. As was typical of my Mom, she told me about about it in a phone conversation in a kind of matter-of-fact way: I have Stage 1 breast cancer. Shortly after my Mom turned 61 in August of that year, she decided on a whim to have a mammogram; she wasn't scheduled for it, she just decided that it would be a good idea. Sure enough, they found a tumor about the size of a chickpea that turned out to be malignant. Her doctors removed the mass and she went through radiation over the course of several weeks. It's difficult to remember because, as was also typical of my Mom, she didn't make a big deal out of it. Phone conversations during that time probably went something like "Today I got my nails done, got radiation, went grocery shoppping, came home and took a nap and made dinner": the radiation was just another errand on her list. The treatment worked and she was in remission not too long after that.

Mom was in remission from about the beginning of 2009 until May of 2013. During that time, all of us except for Mom really forgot about her cancer. I never identitified with the various breast cancer-awareness paraphrenilia or events. I often forgot that my Mom was a breast cancer survivor. It was always like "oh, yeah, Mom had cancer once." I guess we took it for granted that cancer was no longer a part of our lives. But, Mom did not forget. She did buy us pink ribbon paraphenalia. She also bought my sister and I the same book for Christmas in 2008: Things I Want My Daughters to Know. The book is about a woman dying of cancer and her relationship with her daughters during her life and after her death. My Mom each wrote personal messages to Whitney and I in the front covers of our books. At the time, I kind of put it aside as I thought there was no way my Mom would die of cancer, especially since her treatment seemed to be going so well. Little did I know that I would come to treasure that book and her inscription 5 years down the road.

Jury Duties

I was summoned for jury duty for the first time in my life at the beginning of July. After 8 hours of limited Internet access and sitting in uncomfortable court pews, I was selected to serve on a jury for a murder trial. Jury duty is one of the most intense and unique experiences I have ever had. I have not witnessed anything like it. Here is a summary of what I learned from my experience:

1. Jurors have little to no control over their schedule while they are in court. It is impossible to plan further than tomorrow. You don't find out what time you're due at court the next day until the end of the day.

2. Jury duty is about 'hurrying up and waiting'. If you have been told to be in the jury room at 8:30, you will not be summoned into the court room until at least 9:30. If you are told to be back from lunch at 1, you will not be summoned until 1:30.

3. If a sidebar is called where the judge and the attorneys talk about something that is not meant for the jury to hear, a 15 minute break at least is likely to follow. If not, the jury needs to try not to hear the attorneys quietly yelling at each and try to look as despondent as possible. Laughing is a no-no, apparently.

4. Water is a commodity- bring your own!

5. Jury seats are uncomfortable, but more comfortable than the pews in the courtroom. Bring a pillow!

6. Jurors love donuts and other free food! Bring some in to score brownie points with your fellow jurors.

7. Defense attorneys have a hard job. Prosecutors have an even harder job. It is so difficult getting witnesses to be truthful and consistent. Try not to end up on the witness stand.

8. People on juries are chosen by a combination of random and not-so-random selection. There are probably people on the jury that one would never associate with in 'real' life. Enjoy it. 

Time to Get Cookin'!

It has been exactly half a year since my last post. It has been a hard 6 months, seeming to be both a long time and a short time. So much has happened; so many thoughts, so many things to say. One of the mantras that has helped me get by is "K.I.S.S." or "Keep It Simple, Stupid." In that vein, I am going to cover only one kind of light topic in this post.

As I've written previously, I really love to cook. It is satisfying in itself to create something, let alone when one is cooking for other people who enjoy the dish! As anyone who knows me probably knows or can deduce, I equally enjoy eating! I do not consider myself to be a "foodie", but I do feel like one can learn a lot about a place and a culture by its cuisine. I love to cook and eat ethnic foods in particular and this sentiment is doubly true of that!

The reason I bring this up is that a colleague of mine brought in a bunch of books she wanted to unload, including several cookbooks. I have acquired about half of my cookbooks in such a situation. Of course, I could not resist adding to my collection and I grabbed a lovely cookbook on Mexican cuisine. Most of my family and friends would never guess it based on my interest and travels to Asia and Europe, but Mexican cuisine is my absolute favorite! The spices, the cheese, the citrus, the meat, the unique flavor combinations- I love it all! Immediately upon acquiring said cookbook, I bookmarked about a quarter of the book with all of the recipes I want to try.

The crux of this post is this: my colleague and I started talking about how we never use our cookbooks, hence the reason why she was giving them away. There is never enough time to cook for the sake of cooking; it is a frivolous use of time. Looking recipes up online is much more convenient; one can look for exactly what they want and can get the recipe instantaneously.  As Americans living in the 21st century, aren't we all about instant gratification? But there is something romantic about using a cookbook that Internet recipes cannot provide. There's just something special about cooking out of a book that someone compiled just for the sake of food. It is even more special when the book is secondhand; which recipes did the other person try?

On that note, I have decided to institute a new plan for myself. One day a weekend (with the exception of weekends where I am not home), I am going to cook a recipe from a cookbook. It is a hobby that deserves a devoted time. Cooking more often is always a resolution that I have and I never follow through with it. This weekend, I will obviously be cooking out of I new cookbook. I am hoping to try the cerviche but we'll see. It will be an advet that I am happy to take!