Wasn't Supposed to Happen

My Mom passed away suddenly/unexpectedly after fighting metastatic breast cancer 2 weeks ago. It wasn't supposed to happen that way. Mom was supposed to live into her 80s like her Mom, not die at 66. I was supposed to have a family of my own before she died, not to be without a mother as an unmarried 28 year old. We were supposed to go to Jamaica next year like we had always dreamed; I wasn't supposed to witness my Mom's death a week before my 29th birthday. She was supposed to be at my wedding and meet my children. Mom fought adversity her whole life; life was supposed to cut her a break. Terminal illness happened to other people; it wasn't supposed to happen to my family. Not my family, not my Mom. She fought cancer once and was about to be 5 years in remission; it wasn't supposed to come back and kill her.

Her doctors should have known that. She should have known that. The cancer should have known that. I guess sometimes life does not break the way it's supposed to.

2013 Resolution #5: Develop My Interests

I cannot believe that 2013 is already more than half over! It has been a year of massive change, for better and worse. The last resolution for 2013 is something that I have already been working on this year: developing my hobbies. Consequently, this is also an area that I have addressed in therapy as my therapist has encouraged me to do things for myself; to do things that I want to do. Here are a few hobbies that I am cultivating:

1. Learning to play the ukelele: I played the trumpet as a child and I like playing an instrument. Several years ago, after playing around with one at my friend's house, I decided that a ukelele was the way to go. I love the sound and I have a weird innate connection to Hawaii though I have never been there. So, I bought a $30 ukelele, got a tuner and played around with it, but never really learned how to play. A few years ago, my boyfriend bought me a BEAUTIFUL ukelele with abalone detailing, reminiscent of a guitar that my parents bought me that I never learned how to play. This time, I am determined to learn how to play. I bought a really awesome instructional book and I've learned how to play some basic songs like Frere Jacques and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Scott gets out his banjo that he's learning to play and we practice together. My goal is to play a duet with my Dad on Christmas Eve as he traditionally plays his accordion.

2. FANTASY FOOTBALL: I have played Fantasy Football the past few years and I love it; it gets me even more into football than I already am! This year, Scott and I are part of my friends' league and we are so excited! Reason #50 million why I love Fall!

3. Cooking: I obviously love to eat, but I also love cooking. We are eating low-carb in my house right now so I'm learning to make yummy low-carb dishes. In the process, I have discovered the deliciousness and affordability of local farmer's markets. I have been cooking with locally-grown cauliflower, broccoli, swiss chard, and other vegetables. My challenge this Fall is to cook low-carb football foods. I look forward to the challenge.

4. Writing/Art: I like writing so keeping up my blog is a fun hobby for me. I am also thinking about drawing for fun and/or a drawing class. No homework though.

That is it for my 2013 resolutions. I will come back to these at the end of the year to see how I did!

2013 Resolution #4: Mindfulness

I find that my life has always been full of strange but good coincidences. I have always been a person of action and I like to plan things. I make lots of to-do lists. Until recently, that has resulted in my mind focusing on many different things at any given moment. It is actually pretty stressful.

I think being back in the laid-back culture in Maine led me to want to reexamine that behavior. Through support and professional development funds from my office, I enrolled in a course at USM on Mindfulness-Based Stress-Reduction. Mindfulness is basically being physically, emotionally, and mentally in the present moment. Stress and sadness come from thinking about past moments and future moments; not "being" in the present. Mindfulness has its roots in Buddhism, whose philosophy I am finding increasingly relevant and comforting to me.

Mindfulness is really something that I NEED. I have found that I feel better in every regard when I practice mindfulness. I didn't know how important it would be for me until my Mom was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in May. Nothing hits the point of mindfulness home like a diagnosis of cancer. Thinking about what was the past (without metastatic cancer) is painful; thinking about what the future might bring is painful. Today, this moment, is the only thing we have and it is a precious gift. I want to enjoy the time that we have together right now.

I am still learning to be mindful; it is more difficult than it sounds. But I am already learning to slow down and be here, now and it feels so good.

2013 Resolution #3: Be Kinder to Myself

2013 Resolution #3: Be Kinder to Myself

Like many people I know, I am a person that has a tendency to take care of other people first and myself last in many respects. I have a hard time accepting help from other people or letting other people take care of me. Part of this is an independence that I really value, but it is important to recognize that one needs to let other people take care of them sometimes and to take care of oneself. I think this goal has/will present itself in a lot of ways and will affect both the short-term and long-term. Physically, I want to treat my body better, not only by diet and exercise which I have discussed in detail before, but also with "maintenance work" like going to the dentist which I haven't done in WAY too long and going to massage/physical therapy for my back injury/pain that I acquired last summer. Mentally/emotionally, I started meeting with a psychologist for the first time in last week. I have thought about going for several years and have gone back and forth about whether I should/needed to go or not and finally decided to do it. It was a really great decision and I encourage everyone to meet with a psychologist or other mental health professional/counselor if you even feel the slightest inkling that it might be a good idea (it is). Honestly, the biggest question it's raised for me is why I had waited for so long to meet with someone. Socially, I want to be honest with myself about relationships and people that are toxic in my life. By that, I mean that I have some relationships where I am giving a lot of myself and getting little in return. Ultimately, I feel guilty about possibly ending the friendship and the cycle continues. On the upside, I also want to identify the people that I really enjoy spending time with and to make that happen more often.

Overall, I would like to be kinder to myself in that I want to figure out and do more of what I want to do rather than what I feel like I should do or what others think I should do. I have a lot of hobbies that I neglect in favor of doing other things that I feel like I should do (like cleaning), so this year I want to cultivate them more. They include gardening (so psyched to have my own house!), drawing, yoga, brewing beer, playing music, playing bocce on the beach, and, of course, writing! I think 2013 will end up being a very trans-formative year for me, and I look forward to it.

2013 Resolution #2: Make solid steps towards my career goals

I have always been interested in other places and cultures since I was little. I remember I had a bunch of stuffed animal cats and, unlike most children my age, I named them after places. A big fluffy gray cat named Czechoslovakia. Two identical cats hand-made by my Mom named Korea and Taiwan. A lion puppet "retired" from my elementary school library that I named Jamaica. For fun, I used to watch Carmen Sandiego and memorize state capitals with my Dad. I went to the Vermont State Geography Bee after winning my school's competition at 12. I have learned 5 foreign language at some point in my 28 years; I want to improve on all of them and learn more. I have traveled to 7 different countries, including going to Japan 3 times; I'm more traveled than many of my friends and family but there is so much more that I want to see. My favorite part about traveling abroad is learning about culture different than my own and meeting people from other parts of the world. It is truly fascinating talking to people from other places and realizing that while we may have had different experiences and different ideas, we are all people with the same hopes, dreams, and fears. We all worry about what we want to do with our lives and lovers and school and death and etc.

What does all of this have to do with my resolution? I received my MA in International Service from American University in 2011. Since then, I have not landed a job in my field. I don't regret going to graduate school or going to school for something that I love studying even though it is not as lucrative as other fields. On the contrary, graduate school was the most rewarding and fulfilling academic experience that I have ever had and I encourage people thinking of going to do it. The downside, of course, in a poor economy such as the one that we are currently experiencing is that graduate study is not cheap and the jobs, especially in international relations and related fields, are few and the competition is stiff. I applied for several jobs in DC, most of which I didn't really want to do anyway, but didn't land anything. I ended up settling with working full-time as the administrative assistant in the office I'd worked in part-time in graduate school at American University that specializes in supporting students with ADHD and learning disabilities. In an attempt to at least do something related to my field of study, I took Korean language classes at the KORUS House, part of the Korean embassy (I highly recommend it!). I casually continued searching for work, did two more interviews, didn't get those jobs, and Scott and I finally decided that it wasn't worth living in DC working in jobs that weren't in our respective fields. Why do something in DC when we can do the same work closer to home? So, we moved back to Maine in November 2012. I applied for a few jobs at CIEE in Portland, a non-profit that specializes in study abroad programming, and, despite some promising leads, I did not land a job.

I ultimately ended up taking a job at the office that supports students with disabilities at USM, which is where I am currently working. All things considered, it was the job I needed to have at the time I had it and I am still enjoying it. Working with students is rewarding, my co-workers are great, and I really love the university environment. However, it is not really related to my area of study. I know too many people who have resigned themselves to not being able to find work in their area of study and I refuse to become one of them at this point. Obviously the jobs in international relations in Maine are limited, but being close to Portland has it advantages. I am not in a hurry to find a new job right now, but I would at least like to have more of a game plan and figure out more of what I actually want to do. Part of the reason that I left DC was that I knew I did not want to work for the government. I would much rather work for a non-profit or in a university for multiple reasons. I think that at least here in Maine I know more people; networking will be easier. I read an article recently on the NY Times on a topic that I have been thinking about for the past year: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/31/opinion/sunday/friedman-need-a-job-invent-it.html?smid=fb-nytimes&WT.z_sma=OP_NAJ_20130401. I think that for me, and for many of my peers, getting a job in my field that I am happy with is going to take a lot of networking (no surprise there), innovation, creativity, and initiative. We are all competing for the same jobs; some of us will need to carve our own niche. I feel like being at USM is a good place for me to do that. In the immediate future, I plan on reaching out to the Maine World Affairs Council to see about volunteering in my free time. Additionally, I hope to continue with my foreign language, preferably Japanese or Korean.

New Beginnings, New Ends

One of the most positive things that I have started in the past few years is this, my blog! While I'm sure one day I will look back and this and feel self-conscious, I really enjoy writing and the challenge of writing something that other people might read. I really enjoyed having subtopics to write about as part of my DC Bucket List (I might have more to add later this year...) and after reading an article on MindBodyGreen.com about goal-setting, I have been inspired to write about my personal goals for 2013 on here. In some ways, it feels strange to post my goals for this year publicly, but it also feels like I will be more accountable for reaching/not reaching them. It also gives me more to write about. :) I tried to think of goals that are realistic and that I will look back at with pride in myself after I achieve them. Without further adieu...

2013 Resolution #1: Lose 30 pounds by 2014

In some ways, this will be the most difficult goal to achieve. My whole family has struggled with obesity/weight loss and I am no exception. However, I did not really have issues with my weight until mid-way through college and after. I have always loved sports and was an athlete in high school so it was never a big issue. I was overweight probably starting junior or senior year in college and that continued into the years after college. However, during that time I was never "concerned" about my weight as I went to the gym fairly frequently and even took up new fitness activities (inter-mural field hockey and belly dancing!). By the time I left Portland to go to DC for grad school, I was about 190 lbs.

After that, it was like the perfect storm of weight gain. I got out of a long term relationship, started a new relationship, was adjusting to living in a new city and to grad school. I remember thinking about how interesting it was to me that the "Freshman 15" is common knowledge (though I managed to lose 15 lbs freshman year!) but no one talks about grad-school weight gain. Frankly, I would have been happy to only gain 15 lbs! Not only was I stressed out constantly by the work-load of school, but I also felt guilty about spending time going to the gym when I could be doing school work. I also felt guilty/stressed by the idea of spending precious time cooking dinner for my boyfriend (who worked irregular hours and was also stressed out from living in the city) and I. We ate fast food and delivery all the time. Emotionally, I also loved indulging in all of those foods that taste good but are horrible for you: comfort foods. To top it off, there was so much junk food more readily accessible to us in DC/Alexandria that it was fun to try new stuff and indulge. We ate everything from Olive Garden to Five Guys to Dairy Queen to McDonalds and all things in between. I didn't realize how much I loved pizza until we got down to DC and were able to order delivery Dominos all the time!

Despite all of the pictures of myself on Facebook that made cringe to see them (I could barely recognize myself), I was in denial about my weight for a long time. It wasn't until a good friend of mine really started focusing on her own weight loss (we had a similar amount to lose) that I really looked at myself and where I was. I could not believe how much my friend had been able to lose and how amazing she looked! She recommended My Fitness Pal to me as it had been a really integral part of her weight loss and I finally made the decision to lose weight in earnest in January of 2012. Inspired by my friend, I was able to lose 25 lbs last year. There are few better ways to give yourself a boost to your confidence than to lose weight like that. Not only did I have people that knew me remark on my weight loss but I was also able to fit into my clothes so much better. It was definitely an uphill battle, but totally worth it. I am as proud of that achievement as any other in my life.

So, this goal is a continuation of the weight loss efforts that I started last year. Moving to Maine has been hard- I have gained 10 lbs back since we moved in November. If it weren't for my efforts last year and establishing better eating habits/more self-control, it probably would have been a greater gain, so I am at least happy that it wasn't more. It was hard living with family with different eating and exercise habits than my own, but in the end it was my choice to eat poorly and work out very little. The move has been good in that it is harder to get fast food and delivery here so my boyfriend and I pretty much cook dinner every night- we rarely go out. Another plus about being in Maine is that I have room for a garden, so I am planning on growing vegetables and hopefully incorporating more vegetables into my diet. On the other hand, I was walking a lot in DC for my commute to work and here people, myself included, drive everywhere. It's not possible to walk most places in Maine. I need to do a better job of getting a work out in most days of the week. The past few weeks I have been using my Wii Fit Plus, which is good. My biggest obstacle is my 4-day 10-hour-a-day work week. I would really like to keep having Fridays off but I can't do it if it comes at the expense of making time for exercise. I am hopeful for the summer as I love being outside in Maine. I think I can achieve this goal, which would put me under 200 lbs for the first time in 4 years, but I need to make time for being active and eating right.

Settling into Life in Vacationland

I really thought that my next post would be about developments in Northeast Asia, i.e. North Korea, one of my areas of study, but that's boring. Perhaps I will give my 2 cents later.

Life has really changed into the past few months/half a year! My boys and I are officially back in Maine. While it is good to be back, it has taken some time to really settle into life here. We lived with relatives for almost three months when we first got back. It got old after a while for everyone involved, but we are all still on speaking terms. It seems so long ago now.

I don't consider myself to be a superstitious person but I don't believe in coincidence. I believe that everything happens for a reason and everything will turn out ok, even if I can't see it at the time. Right before I left DC I was contacted for an interview for what I considered at the time to be my dream job with a study-abroad organization in Portland. I had two interviews that I thought went really well to the extent that I even started looking at places to live based on how far they would be from the job. Scott and I looked at several houses that we liked, but without having jobs it is difficult to be accepted as renters. Of course, what happened was that I was not chosen for the job. I usually have good luck with interviews and I have had a few jobs get away from me in the past that I thought I wanted, but this one took a while to get over. So, I went from potentially having a job and a place to live to nothing, right before Christmas. After I got out of my funk, I applied for jobs everyday. As luck would have it, I ended up having 3 interviews on the week of my 28th birthday in December. I not only got offered a second interview for one 4 days after the initial interview, but got a job offer 2 days after another interview. A merry Birthmas to me, indeed! I ended up having one of the best Christmases in VT in recent memory (a good time with my family and reuniting with a lot of my oldest and closest friends) but I was without my boys for the 3 year in a row.

I started my new job at the end of December- looking back, I would have never guessed that a month after being devastated by being rejected, I would start working. I am working at the University of Southern Maine as an administrative assistant in the disability services office. In retrospect, I think this job is the best fit for me right now as adjusting to life here has definitely been a process and my colleagues have been very understanding of the magnitude of my transition. In fact, the boss of the office is a colleague of mine from AU who made the same move earlier in 2012. I like the job in the sense that there is a lot of flexibility and that I can make my job my own- I have more decision-making abilities. The only downside is that, again, I am a Master's graduate working as an administrative assistant outside of my field. I struggle with this mentally, emotionally, and financially. That said, it is a lot easier to handle than in my job at AU as I feel more a part of the team (there are only 4 of us) and that my opinions and expertise are truly valued.

Scott started working as a temp in December and as of January we knew we would be able to find our own place. We looked at a few other places and came across a really cute house that was among the least expensive we looked at-$800 for a two bedroom. We took it and it has been great for us so far. The biggest challenge right now is to get back to a life of "normalcy". Finances are very tight, as they are for most people, so we mostly just work and hang out at the house. It gets kind of lonely, but we have made time/money for hanging out with some friends and those times have been really fun. Once we figure things out more financially, I will start looking more at my career and where I want it to go. My colleagues have been really supportive about professional development and I think being at USM can really work to my advantage. The present is a little uncertain, but the future and its possibilities are very exciting. I recently read an article about making goals and it's something that would be good for me to sit down and really think about. I used to be very goal-oriented, but for the past few years I have felt lost without a "destination". It's good to be flexible, but having a "heading" is equally important. I hope I can decide that for myself soon.

PS I am SO excited to be near the ocean!!!